Wednesday, 31 October 2012

There's always a first.

so, i wanted to give this a try. as the title says this is all about letting it all out..
First, i would like to introduce myself :P I'm... let's call me Ezra. Though its not my real name, i have always loved that name ever since i heard on a TV series i watch, " the pretty little liars". And that's a pretty good show. What with all the twists and unexpected turns in every episode it has me cringing, laughing and leaves me curious and distraught.
Coming back to talking about myself.. i'm 18 years of age and live far from where i want to be. At least where i think i wanna be. i guess there's a turmoil inside me about my home country. i had moved far from there and never gone back for almost.. 4 years now. i don't think i have any friends left there who'll welcome me back. here's the thing, i'm not good at making friends, (hence the blog) and if i luckily make friends, i can't stay friends with them. And if they are kind enough to stay or somehow i manage to keep them with me, life takes them away from me. i wasnt always like this. i had my confidence and attitude. But then i lost it all. And what's worse, there's no one to blame except me. my damn fault that my life turned out this way.  Pretty depressing eh? i know. believe me. who would know it better than me? i have been dumped by countless number of friends. most of them with whom i've been in school with. They all said that i had changed and become proud, insecure and pissed off at them. Well, to tell you the truth, i was pissed off. i was denying the fact that i was gaining weight. See, i usually get a lot of boys, but that was when i was 33kgs. as i started to gain weight, they seemed to notice me less. i was craving for attention, to feel pretty and stupidly  ignored the fat that was forming now on my once very flat tummy. it made me sad, angry and most of all  hurt. it hurt because i was thin and pretty and i got all the attention and i was used to that. but the body change had uprooted my whole social life. And please, don't give me that century old crap about boys who like you for your figure are dumb and useless and not worth it. it's not their fault actually. humans are attracted to beauty. even me. and that is why to this day i don't consider myself pretty or beautiful. i haven't really accepted me as who i am. but i think i want to try to. And then i wondered, how could i hate these people, or be pissed off at them and how could i have become this bitchy person? They started disliking me for a well and good reason and i realized that how can i expect them to understand me and take the time to accept me for this new person when even i don't accept myself this way.
The extra weight had taken a tremendous toll. With all the friends gone and i few days spent in high school (btw i had already messed it up with the "cool" kids of my class.) and when my mom said about moving to some place else  i was over-joyed. I could start-over. Try to make friends. Because even if i didnt know how now, i once had people who adored me and i them. that was a good feeling. and i wanted that back. So this big move was gonna get that for me. Hope was flickering its light i wanted to let it shine.